Friday, April 25, 2014

How TO get coverage...or at least try to...

As I pointed out to the lady who tweeted yesterday asking for a follow-up blogpost on how TO get coverage for your concert, there ain't no guarantee of nothin' in this crazy world. All your valiant efforts may amount to no more than a hill of beans. But you can try. Here are ten ways to increase your chances.

1. Be Jonas Kaufmann.

2. Be 8.

3. Be 90.

4. Be deported.

5. Say something horrid about women conductors.

6. Squeeze into minimal dress. Apply hair peroxide and crimson lipstick. Book expensive photographer with good airbrush. Book very expensive publicist. (NB this is intended as a strategy for women, but may arguably be more effective still if you're a bloke.)

7. Perform with a pop star.

8. Convince everyone you've achieved 300m Youtube hits all by yourself.

9. Lose your £50m Stradivarius. Issue SOS. Give free concert for kind people who rescue it.

10. Die. (Not recommended.)

[Author's note: this post is presented in a different font. This is to indicate IRONY.]